He starts off with nothing.
But as time goes on, he gets more.
His head becomes filled
With the good, with the bad,
With the funny, with the scary
His sub-conscious stores it all.
It’s all in there, even when he thinks it left him.
All the birthdays, and the Christmases.
All the goodnights, and all the good mornings.
Leaving the old, and becoming the new.
With each new step, he receives more.
And more
And more
And more
And the more he has, the more he surprises himself.
And the more shocked he is that he remembers
A stormy night, entering his apartment after a long day at the office
and thinking, “Oh damn,
what the hell am I getting her for her birthday.”
As the Age creeps up on him and scares him in the dark,
He realizes that there is too much to remember what.
To much to store so he will lose some of he doesn’t need anymore,
And store what he will need
Even if he doesn’t know it at the time
But until everything falls out of his ears,
His mind is a clutter mess, waiting to be remembered.
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I like the line "His mind is a clutter mess" because of the way the words "clutter" and "mess" sound next to each other. Also, I like it because I can relate to that feeling. I'm confused when I'm finished reading your poem because I'm not sure what emotions I should be feeling. Should I be sad for the man or happy? I don't know yet...
ReplyDeleteI think your title works because it goes with your poem, you giving these items that lay scattered with no attention hope, waiting to be remembered. The line that stands out the most is "His mind is a cluttered mess waiting to be remembered.", I thought your way to describe the mess was unique, the way you used a metaphor comparing his mind to the mess. It's like all the pile of mess is our old forgotten memory and just lays within us and we don't even relize it. They just sit there waiting to be reconized.
ReplyDeleteThe line that stands out the most is the first line. I really like this line because it is a complete change in mood. I don't know, but I think of it like that. You say first he starts off with nothing which sounds a little depressing and then you say but as time goes on, he gets more, which sounds happier. I really like the poem, good work &keep it up! =].
ReplyDeleteIf I could compare your poem to an animal it would be a...hmm...turtle. They live really long don't they? At least Finding Nemo says so. This is wierd, I know, but your poem makes me feel like it is this guys whole life story, so I guess...the turtle. haha =)
ReplyDeletesick title, (in a good way!) but yeah seriously, i realy like coonected with the title like i think it set this great, chilly, honest vibe or tone for the whole poem, which to me deals with the enevitability of certain things, and how we almost wait for that. I also love the title because the poem is one of those story-poems which sometimes can make the reader feel not connected, but the title drew us in as did the ending so we(the reader) connected, love it :)
ReplyDeleteOne line that seems a little akward was "but as time goes on, he gets more"
i like the consept of time passing, but mabey like show time passing, instead of like teeling us time is passing you know? because the line is a little obviouse, which the rest of the poem isnt so it doesnt flow as much
but other thatn that minor detail, awesome, WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
Great job on your poem! I really liked the repition of and more in the second stanza. This stood out to me. This really helped stress the point that there was even more damage and even more pain. I started to get confused a bit between the second and last stanza. The transition confused me and I got lost, yet found my way back before the end. All around great job :DDDD
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